This page has what I call occasional and spontaneous "sightings" of Restorative Practices. They often end up being actual experiences. But if I take the TTC long enough I am also hoping for some actual sightings as well. Certainly the conditions are right for them.
Dinner and Circles/Fall, 2011
Dear Friends,
I share news that will be quite small stuff for each of you, but is momentous for me. The moment was last Sunday evening as Salina, Margaret (our older daughter, whom you know), Alvin (Margaret’s husband), Cherrise (our younger daughter), Beth (Margaret’s older – 8 y. o - daughter) and Emily (Margaret’s younger – 6 y. o. - daughter) sat around our dining room table sharing our usual Sunday dinner and fellowship and sharing a new family experience.
The moment, for me, was bound in our communication about a matter of great substance to me, and thus to the whole family. We spent a bit more than an hour – with our granddaughters being excused to play after dinner…after about a third of the discussion – seeking decisions about the matter at hand. The matter at hand was an upcoming celebration that could involve significant travel with the attendant economic, social and work costs.
Our family considers travel and celebrations as highly important and good activities, but attempts to address such occasions as moral issues. We consider the risks to physical health, the apportioning of holiday time for those in the work force, lost time from school for our granddaughters, costs of that which we consume to the planet and to future generations, and the rightness of our consumption vis-à-vis the needs of those on the planet less empowered than we are.
Parenthetically, it is my judgment that our family is a healthy unit that has been able to communicate as well as, or better than, most families we observe. We hold worldviews that are consistent in vector but equally richly diverse in particularities. Some of us speak much more than do others. Not uncommonly, we have impoverished our decisions by failing to organize our communication so that we glean the full wisdom of each participant.
Having been blessed with your presence last June, I have spoken a number of times of my surprise at being so captured by the use of circles and of my desire to find ways to gain more experience in their use.
Two weeks ago, when I initiated a discussion of the upcoming celebration – previously unknown to anyone else in the family – Margaret asked me to get my talking piece so that we could deliberate via a circle.
I had a physiological response when I picked up my talking piece, a small stone with a neat little natural hole in it, to which was tied a small leather thong that passed through a wooden bead…things Merissa provided and I used in its construction. I remembered you, my friends, and your generosity in allowing me – the least capable person in the group – to attempt service as keeper of a circle addressing a topic of my choice. I remembered that you accepted my attempt with equanimity and patience …seemingly without a need to judge my limited performance. In that practice circle with you, we used my talking piece.
So, I ascended the stairs and joined the family, passing the talking piece to Margaret who served as the informal keeper for our first, very informal, family circle. The reticent members of the family warmed to the process rather slowly. We didn’t hold rigidly to the rule of silence by those who did not hold the talking piece. We didn’t resolve any of our questions about the celebration. But, we began to communicate using the circle principles…and, as balance of verbosity began to change the evidence of collective wisdom changed. We had times of silence, a number of passes of the talking piece without the holder speaking…many of the good things that attend the circle process.
Last Sunday evening, the talking piece, again, passed around the table (circle), perhaps fifteen times. Our communication – actually our realizing, sharing and hearing of wisdom – occurred with a richness I’d not experienced in what I hold to be our “very good communicating” family. I have remained ebullient through the hours since, spending some wakeful time during the night processing our shared ideas as well as my joy in the process.
We still have not yet made the important decisions, though I expect we will at our next circle, two weeks hence. I am entirely persuaded, however, that we will complete that decision having already brought the most complete body of collective wisdom to a topic that we have experienced as a family to this time.
My thought was to now note my indebtedness to you all and to each of you. But that is not correct; none of you hold promissory notes. Rather you share gifts for which no indebtedness accrues. You give of your wisdom, your spirits, your souls in a manner as free as the wind.
So my note is one of offering this report as my thanks to each of you for your gift to me…of circles as a new-to-me, and astonishingly rich, way of engaging family and issues of substance.
I wish for each of you peace,
Mel
Of Camping, campfires and getting agreements/June 2011
When I reviewed the syllabus more closely as I prepared to take this course I had to decide between taking this as a professional development offering or as a full-fledged course. I had considerable trepidation to take this as an actual course since I have not taken a course in over 20 years that was not hands-on training. Additionally the irony is that I put students regularly through the rigours of credit course regularly and now found myself on the other side of the coin so to speak.
When I reviewed the syllabus I did hesitate when I saw that one of the requirements was to plan and implement a circle. My challenge is that in the time period for completing this task as I realized I am totally disconnected from all my networks of agency partners and students that would typically offer me any number of opportunities. Additionally my time in the months of July and August are taken up with what I call “Daddy Day Camp”. With three boys at home this typically means both times of either high and low activity and many other bodies in the house as we seem to be destination central for their entire multitude of friends. This is only encouraged by our own open door policy knowing that there are many of their friends who have both parents working in the summer and often are just stuck at home.
So I began to think was there a way that I could use this natural network. At the same time I was working on Plan B which was to see if I could inveigle my way into my wife’s work with the different advocacy and planning groups she was affiliated with and bring a circle process into their midst. However neither one came to fruition as another spontaneous opportunity arose.
Every year we go camping on the first weekend in July which marks the end of school and beginning of summer. This is a group of families of which we know one well. The other 2-3 families we see once a year and have been doing so for over 10 years. In the midst then there were 9 children and 7 adults this year. The children are ages 9 to 16 with there being two 9/10 year olds, one 11 year old, one 12 year old, three 14 year olds and two 16 year olds. It is equally mixed in terms of boys and girls.
I thought what better opportunity then to use a natural setting where sitting around in circles around the campfire is a natural occurrence.
There was an issue percolating around the kids and spending time playing games. There was one deck of cards available and no one had thought to bring any more. Although the kids generally got along quite well and needed little to structure their time we were anticipating rain and limits to what we could do. Our house was relatively accessible since we have 3 dogs we need to leave at home and be available to. So the camp is close to home.
It so happened that literally everyone was sitting around late afternoon in a large circle. This involved all 16 people. I had placed the deck of cards and baseball gloves and football and Frisbee in the centre. One of the kids said “so what was that all about”. I explained that we all had mentioned that we had forgot the games and everyone remembered from previous years what a boon it had been to have them when it rained.
So I said that maybe we needed to figure out what we wanted to do about this. People agreed but one of the younger ones said how we going to do that “nobody listens to me”. I said that I thought I might have an idea. I explained that there are ways to talk about things in large groups and be able to be heard and also decide about things.
I said what helps is if you have some sort of a talking piece. It makes sure you get to say what you have to and that others listen to you. One of the other kids said “we don’t have anything like that”. I said why don’t all of kids go out into the campgrounds and the river and woods and find things that we might use. I said it could be kind of like a race with a time limit. Some of the adults found their inner child and joined in.
Off they went.
They came back with all sorts of rocks, sticks, feathers and small shells. The question came up which one was the best. I suggested maybe we didn’t need the “best” but each person could decide which one he wanted from the middle when it was his turn. Now in the middle we had both made and found objects, the natural and the made world together.
I suggested that it might be a nice idea to warm up the talking piece by everyone taking a turn as we went around saying something that they liked about the person beside them. This was actually fun and gratifying to watch. Not always are people explicitly appreciative of others, kids or adults, even if they do truly care so this opportunity seemed to create a tone that was positive and one might say warm.
Then we moved on to deciding on the games. I suggested that everyone could suggest 2 games each. Then after that we would vote on the top three and then see if the vote was okay with everyone. Everyone, and especially the younger ones and the two who were also quite shy all had a say. In fact some of the others liked their suggestions and echoed their suggestions.
When it came time to pick the top three all were put to a vote. There were 18 suggestions. It was winnowed down to 3. Then I suggested that we go around with the talking piece of choice again to see if everyone was in agreement. There was no disagreement and all seemed to be in consensus.
At this point the discussion became quite interesting. One of the parents thought that they were using something like this in an alternative elementary school that she worked in as an administrative assistant. She wanted to know more about it and its roots. She said it seemed to fit with another program they are using with the students called “Grandfather’s Tales”. I explained what I had been doing just recently with doing a course in Peacemaking Circles and presenting an international conference on it in Halifax. I talked about the aboriginal roots and what was currently happening in school boards in Toronto.
Then the same parent mentioned that she had written a teacher’s guide for a play that was based on what she thought was similar called restorative justice. This was a play that had been showcased at the international conference in Halifax. David Craig, who was from Toronto, had been commissioned to write this play “Tough Case” which ended up being presented in all the high schools in Halifax. In addition he was an acquaintance of a teaching colleague of mine. This colleague thought David may have written a play about restorative work and maybe I should connect with him. This was the day before I flew out to Halifax. Little did I know that his play was showcased at the conference? Afterwards I went to his workshop and made initial plans to see if he was interested in bringing it into the College.
So this play was bookended by connections on either side of my actually seeing it by acquaintances from different parts of my life. As an aside when I came back from Halifax and Winnipeg I met with my Chair and teaching colleague to start plans to bring this play into the College to present to a number of our students in our programs for the Fall.
Back to the campfire circle. The conversation continued. A number of the adults reflected on campfires and circles and their natural occurrences. Someone else commented on how this was also an easy way to discuss and address issues. The partner of the one parent who had some passing knowledge of circle processes wondered if this is something that he could use at work. He runs a publishing company and often finds himself in the middle of conversations and the recipient of broken conversations. I said that its applications and possibilities extended to wherever people find themselves relating to others. That it is also a useful tool for both dealing with conflict and preventing conflicts. He thought he might try it with his team of employees.
Then my wife suggested what if this was used as a research project with young children starting in kindergarten and following them throughout their school career it could yield some interesting results. I thought this could be a very good research project and was possibly doable given that I have time this year to work on circle related initiatives.
The children were tiring of this process and moved away, but created their own circle nearby. One of the older ones brought out their guitar and they sang songs for a while and listened to her creations.
Finally on the last day as we were all saying goodbye one of the kids said “ why don’t we all take turns saying something nice about the camping this year” and picked up a leaf. Each person as they said their goodbyes also said something that they enjoyed and then passed on the leaf. A number of the comments had a reflective element since there was over ten years of camping to draw on.
Final thoughts
This demonstrated to me a number of aspects of circle processes. They are:
Ø Natural and spontaneously occurring
Ø Easily understood by everyone
Ø Adaptable to any circumstance
Ø Evoke curiosity and memories
Ø Have a synergistic and organic element
While not as I had hoped for in terms of a planned approach the ability to use this approach in the spur of the moment yielded a number of surprises and unanticipated connections that I am certain may not have arisen otherwise.
When I reviewed the syllabus I did hesitate when I saw that one of the requirements was to plan and implement a circle. My challenge is that in the time period for completing this task as I realized I am totally disconnected from all my networks of agency partners and students that would typically offer me any number of opportunities. Additionally my time in the months of July and August are taken up with what I call “Daddy Day Camp”. With three boys at home this typically means both times of either high and low activity and many other bodies in the house as we seem to be destination central for their entire multitude of friends. This is only encouraged by our own open door policy knowing that there are many of their friends who have both parents working in the summer and often are just stuck at home.
So I began to think was there a way that I could use this natural network. At the same time I was working on Plan B which was to see if I could inveigle my way into my wife’s work with the different advocacy and planning groups she was affiliated with and bring a circle process into their midst. However neither one came to fruition as another spontaneous opportunity arose.
Every year we go camping on the first weekend in July which marks the end of school and beginning of summer. This is a group of families of which we know one well. The other 2-3 families we see once a year and have been doing so for over 10 years. In the midst then there were 9 children and 7 adults this year. The children are ages 9 to 16 with there being two 9/10 year olds, one 11 year old, one 12 year old, three 14 year olds and two 16 year olds. It is equally mixed in terms of boys and girls.
I thought what better opportunity then to use a natural setting where sitting around in circles around the campfire is a natural occurrence.
There was an issue percolating around the kids and spending time playing games. There was one deck of cards available and no one had thought to bring any more. Although the kids generally got along quite well and needed little to structure their time we were anticipating rain and limits to what we could do. Our house was relatively accessible since we have 3 dogs we need to leave at home and be available to. So the camp is close to home.
It so happened that literally everyone was sitting around late afternoon in a large circle. This involved all 16 people. I had placed the deck of cards and baseball gloves and football and Frisbee in the centre. One of the kids said “so what was that all about”. I explained that we all had mentioned that we had forgot the games and everyone remembered from previous years what a boon it had been to have them when it rained.
So I said that maybe we needed to figure out what we wanted to do about this. People agreed but one of the younger ones said how we going to do that “nobody listens to me”. I said that I thought I might have an idea. I explained that there are ways to talk about things in large groups and be able to be heard and also decide about things.
I said what helps is if you have some sort of a talking piece. It makes sure you get to say what you have to and that others listen to you. One of the other kids said “we don’t have anything like that”. I said why don’t all of kids go out into the campgrounds and the river and woods and find things that we might use. I said it could be kind of like a race with a time limit. Some of the adults found their inner child and joined in.
Off they went.
They came back with all sorts of rocks, sticks, feathers and small shells. The question came up which one was the best. I suggested maybe we didn’t need the “best” but each person could decide which one he wanted from the middle when it was his turn. Now in the middle we had both made and found objects, the natural and the made world together.
I suggested that it might be a nice idea to warm up the talking piece by everyone taking a turn as we went around saying something that they liked about the person beside them. This was actually fun and gratifying to watch. Not always are people explicitly appreciative of others, kids or adults, even if they do truly care so this opportunity seemed to create a tone that was positive and one might say warm.
Then we moved on to deciding on the games. I suggested that everyone could suggest 2 games each. Then after that we would vote on the top three and then see if the vote was okay with everyone. Everyone, and especially the younger ones and the two who were also quite shy all had a say. In fact some of the others liked their suggestions and echoed their suggestions.
When it came time to pick the top three all were put to a vote. There were 18 suggestions. It was winnowed down to 3. Then I suggested that we go around with the talking piece of choice again to see if everyone was in agreement. There was no disagreement and all seemed to be in consensus.
At this point the discussion became quite interesting. One of the parents thought that they were using something like this in an alternative elementary school that she worked in as an administrative assistant. She wanted to know more about it and its roots. She said it seemed to fit with another program they are using with the students called “Grandfather’s Tales”. I explained what I had been doing just recently with doing a course in Peacemaking Circles and presenting an international conference on it in Halifax. I talked about the aboriginal roots and what was currently happening in school boards in Toronto.
Then the same parent mentioned that she had written a teacher’s guide for a play that was based on what she thought was similar called restorative justice. This was a play that had been showcased at the international conference in Halifax. David Craig, who was from Toronto, had been commissioned to write this play “Tough Case” which ended up being presented in all the high schools in Halifax. In addition he was an acquaintance of a teaching colleague of mine. This colleague thought David may have written a play about restorative work and maybe I should connect with him. This was the day before I flew out to Halifax. Little did I know that his play was showcased at the conference? Afterwards I went to his workshop and made initial plans to see if he was interested in bringing it into the College.
So this play was bookended by connections on either side of my actually seeing it by acquaintances from different parts of my life. As an aside when I came back from Halifax and Winnipeg I met with my Chair and teaching colleague to start plans to bring this play into the College to present to a number of our students in our programs for the Fall.
Back to the campfire circle. The conversation continued. A number of the adults reflected on campfires and circles and their natural occurrences. Someone else commented on how this was also an easy way to discuss and address issues. The partner of the one parent who had some passing knowledge of circle processes wondered if this is something that he could use at work. He runs a publishing company and often finds himself in the middle of conversations and the recipient of broken conversations. I said that its applications and possibilities extended to wherever people find themselves relating to others. That it is also a useful tool for both dealing with conflict and preventing conflicts. He thought he might try it with his team of employees.
Then my wife suggested what if this was used as a research project with young children starting in kindergarten and following them throughout their school career it could yield some interesting results. I thought this could be a very good research project and was possibly doable given that I have time this year to work on circle related initiatives.
The children were tiring of this process and moved away, but created their own circle nearby. One of the older ones brought out their guitar and they sang songs for a while and listened to her creations.
Finally on the last day as we were all saying goodbye one of the kids said “ why don’t we all take turns saying something nice about the camping this year” and picked up a leaf. Each person as they said their goodbyes also said something that they enjoyed and then passed on the leaf. A number of the comments had a reflective element since there was over ten years of camping to draw on.
Final thoughts
This demonstrated to me a number of aspects of circle processes. They are:
Ø Natural and spontaneously occurring
Ø Easily understood by everyone
Ø Adaptable to any circumstance
Ø Evoke curiosity and memories
Ø Have a synergistic and organic element
While not as I had hoped for in terms of a planned approach the ability to use this approach in the spur of the moment yielded a number of surprises and unanticipated connections that I am certain may not have arisen otherwise.